i got my hair cut [thanks to my kristina].

my jaw feels like i got kicked in the face... repeatedly. i need to get these stupid teeth taking out. two of them are fighting in the back like two drunk chicks in a bar.

i am stretching my ears from 00g to 7/16'' at some point over the next few days [thanks to my kristina].

i have a bad ass thick fuckin wallet chain [thanks to my kristina]. i feel like a stud. :wink:

i just got done painting my floor yesterday and now am going to attempt to get things moved over to the new apartment, starting tomorrow. it is gonna be a killer room. i am really looking forward to being settled in and everything... cause god knows i fuckin hate this moving crap. i just want to stay in one place for at least a year or two... that is all i want.

my stomach is really angry... and i am really tired. i am going to head back to my apartment in a bit, take a nap and check on the girls... and eventually come back over here when kristina is heading home from work.

oh, and i apparently have borderline personality disorder... which, that is a whole separate blog.

things just keep going up and down and up and down... i never know which way i am headed, like i am on the river in the tunnel in the original willy wonka and the chocolate factory... and it is getting freakin scary. its scary and also fascinating to find out that there is a reason my head is spinning like this...

babe, i know you cannot hear me now
'cause you're fast asleep
but i love you now
colors inside your had go spinning around
like a ferris wheel
exploding and falling to the ground
oh, people are screaming, people are screaming
my baby, she's dreaming
oh, people are shouting, people are freaking
i'm just staring at the ceiling
waiting for a feeling
oh, oh but when she calls,
i know she's the one
makes me want her harder
makes me want to be a little stronger
still i see monsters
still i see monsters

baby, i know you cannot hear me now
'cause you're flying around
at the speed of sound
colors inside your head go spinning around
like a ferris wheel
exploding and falling to the ground
oh, people are screaming, people are screaming
my baby, she's dreaming

oh, people are shouting, people are freaking
i'm just staring at the ceiling
waiting for a feeling
oh, oh when she calls
i know she's the one
makes me want it harder
makes me want to be a little stronger
still i see monsters
still i see monsters



A person with borderline personality disorder often has unstable relationships, low self-esteem, and problems with impulsive behavior, all of which begin by early adulthood.

A common feature of this disorder is fear of being left alone (abandoned), even if the threat of being abandoned is not real. This fear may lead to frantic attempts to hold on to those around you and may cause you to become too dependent on others. Sometimes you may react to the fear of being abandoned by rejecting others first before they can reject you. This erratic behavior can lead to troubled relationships in every area of your life.

People who are diagnosed with borderline personality disorder have at least five of the following symptoms. They may:

1. Make frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. Have a pattern of difficult relationships caused by alternating between extremes of intense admiration and hatred of others.

3. Have an unstable self-image or be unsure of his or her own identity.

4. Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging, such as extravagant spending, frequent and unprotected sex with many partners, substance abuse, binge eating, or reckless driving.

5. Have recurring suicidal thoughts, make repeated suicide attempts, or cause self-injury through mutilation, such as cutting or burning himself or herself.

6. Have frequent emotional overreactions or intense mood swings, including feeling depressed, irritable, or anxious. These mood swings usually only last a few hours at a time. In rare cases, they may last a day or two.

7. Have long-term feelings of emptiness.

8. Have inappropriate, fierce anger or problems controlling anger. The person may often display temper tantrums or get into physical fights.

9. Have temporary episodes of feeling suspicious of others without reason (paranoia) or losing a sense of reality.


in so many ways, this makes so much sense with my personality. anyone who knows me, and has known me for a decent amount of time... can probably see a good chunk of this in me. and some may not, because i am good at hiding the pain, the confusion and the fear. until recently... my mask is falling away. a person can only hide for so long without exhausting themselves entirely.

my world has begun to come crashing down, everything has begun to make less and less sense. it has begun to be more and more of a problem, fewer and fewer passing conversations that end with a smile. my efforts seem unnoticed and yet... i put all my efforts and energy into everything i do...

i am just hoping that now we have an idea of what is going on, what is wrong... i can only hope that i can get my ssi... and start moving in the right direction.

-aeh